I've never been one to implicate that any problems or short-comings in my life are because of the fact that my father walked out on me and my mom when I was just 2 years old. My mom...is a battleaxe to say the least and can be overbearing (that's putting it nicely) but my pop was her husband, for better or for worse and he just left us.
I think this has alot to do with my issues with men. I've never known love from a man that wasn't sexual. No man has ever called me beautiful and (I've felt) actually met it. I'm ok with being sexy. I have a swag that's undeniable but I can't help but to wonder what my life would be like had my pop stayed around. I think I would've been more selective in my choices of men in my life. That I wouldn't cling to the temporary satisfaction that comes with one night stands. I would want better and would not have clamoured for that type of satisfaction. At one point, I couldn't sleep without it, needed to climax just to go to sleep and masturbation wasn't cutting it. I became very aggressive when it came to sex and wasn't afraid to say what I wanted. If my dad stuck around would I have lost that? Hard to tell a man what I'd do to him knowing I had t kiss my pop with that mouth. I'm over my father leaving but because I'm almost thirty I feel like I need to address this issue in order to move into another stage in my life. I want to be married and give my daughter siblings and have the whole American Dream but I think, up until now, this has hindered me. I wouldn't admit this to myself or anyone else. Now that I recognize the problem, I can deal with it and move forward.
Would I have been more focused in college, smarter with my money and possibly a better person? Would I have lost my independence and been 'daddy's girl'? My pop was so proud of me when I went to college and I didn't recognize that until after he died. I do him a disservice b/c I don't know how long it's been since his passing. But the pain that comes, even as I remember his death is wrenching. It's the type of pain that your subconscious forgets to spare you the remembrance. I remember my dad, the last time I saw him he gave me money for school, called me 'Spunky' and went on his way. I get my hustling attitude from him. We're both very secretive and don't like to have to answer alot of questions. He lives in me but if you ask me how long it's been since he's died, I have no idea. I try to live my life as if he was still around, try to make him proud of me everyday. I know he's smiling down on me but I'm selfish and want him here completely forgetting that between the ages of 2 and 11 he wasn't around at all. We were getting close before he passed and it just seems like things were cut short. Never told him I loved him but I hope he knew. Because of my pop's passing, I don't keep my feelings in anymore because we aren't promised another day. I regret so many things I did or didn't do with my pop and I feel like such a bad person because of it.
Settling is not for me. In some situations, people have to settle but I'm not there yet and don't have plans to EVER put myself in that situation. I know who I want to be with, praying to GOD that he's the one for me. He's not perfect, but in my eyes he is and the woman that I am for him is stupendous. My BD would've been a settlement and I can't believe I stuck around that long just because I wanted to be married. I'll admit to my wrongdoings in that relationship but they were NO WHERE CLOSE to his infidelities and lying ass ways. I could've settled and been unhappily married but GOD stepped in (all praises to YOU for that good look, seriously) and rewrote the script. Even though he left me a statistic I'm a better woman because of it and know exactly the woman I need to be for my future husband. I don't expect to have the perfect marriage but I will do everything to make sure my marriage is successful. Will never go to bed angry, keep a clean house, kids on the up-and-up, burn pots like Emeril (maybe just Racheal Ray) and loose my gag reflex on a nightly basis if need be. With all those qualities on a resume, who could pass that up (lol). But right now I'm chasing paper and trying to survive in this economy so this marriage want has been put on the backburner for the time being. But I know my time will come soon.
Felt good to get this off my chest finally. If it's scrambled it's because I was just typing without thinking about structure.....
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