Sunday Morning

I was invitied to church this morning with HIMM. Haven't been to church in...forever but it didn't burn down upon my entry so that's a good sign. Church was...enlightening. Lately, things have been happening by devine intervention. I always feel like I'm put in the right place at just the right time for the message to be relayed. Most days, daily devotion is right on point but my day is so....mind controlling that even when I try to break down devotion I can't concentrate enough to see the meaning behind the words. I need to work on this.

Today's sermon had many messages. My morning was shit after the discovery that my true love has been dipping and swimming in different waters as recently as Friday night. My heart is hurting, more like aching and I know what needs to be done but it's not what I want. Walking away will be the hardest thing I've ever done by far so I'm praying for the right answer. Anyway, Pastor's message varied but my take from it was endurance. There are so many trials and tribulations in my life that I never take the time to think things through. I am not a victim of the circumstance, rather more like a soldier in the battle. I need to take pride in my faith and hold on to the fact that I know that things will work out in my favor. In this 'got to have it now' world, my impatience is growing. Because I need to remember I'm down, but not out and that I have been blessed already in so many ways, beyond my wildest dreams. I need to study GOD's word more and begin to take them more seriously. My doubt in my religion is...humbling to say the least. I know why I'm doubting my faith and when I actually put pen to paper it sounds ridiculous; how dare I have the audacity to question a greater being just b/c my timeframe is not being met. But I'm not sure what to do. My heart is growing black due to disappointment. I'm resenting choices I've made even though I know I can't change any of them, what's done is done. So I need to take the mistakes I've made, learn from them and move on, not dwell on them and become angry. What is that solving? That is stalling my evolution personally and spiritually. Nothing is worth sacrificing that for. My faith needs to be what gets me though, although now that I'm thinking about it, I don't know if any thing else ever has. My finances, no matter how low they are, I give them to GOD b/c he always makes a way no matter what. Why is it I can give that to GOD but everything else I hold so close to my heart that I can't let it go enough to let GOD solve it. I need to learn to give EVERYTHING to GOD and move on to other issues. My doubt cause insecurity and my faith needs to be the cushion that soothes me b/c I know I will emerge the victor everytime, no matter what.

From now on, I will rejoice, not in the circumstane but the fact that this is a day the LORD has made. I will endure through the night, for joys comes in the morning. This is what I need to practice. Easier said then done. I am merely a vessel to be used, I need to relinquish myself to GOD for his doing.

This is troublesome......but I feel I have no other choice. I can do it but the question is will I stick with it long enough to see it through?

Living In Religious Confusion

We should battle through our moods, feelings, and emotions into absolute devotion to the Lord Jesus. We must break out of our own little world of experience into abandoned devotion to Him. Think who the New Testament says Jesus Christ is, and then think of the despicable meagerness of the miserable faith we exhibit by saying, "I haven’t had this experience or that experience"! Think what faith in Jesus Christ claims and provides— He can present us faultless before the throne of God, inexpressibly pure, absolutely righteous, and profoundly justified. Stand in absolute adoring faith "in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God— and righteousness and sanctification and redemption . . ." ( 1 Corinthians 1:30 ). How dare we talk of making a sacrifice for the Son of God! We are saved from hell and total destruction, and then we talk about making sacrifices!

It is because of our trusting in experience that we see the steadfast impatience of the Holy Spirit against unbelief. All of our fears are sinful, and we create our own fears by refusing to nourish ourselves in our faith. How can anyone who is identified with Jesus Christ suffer from doubt or fear! Our lives should be an absolute hymn of praise resulting from perfect, irrepressible, triumphant belief.

I need this today. I'm battling through my emotions. I'm hurting on the inside because I haven't found love yet. I've loved someone and yes, I've been in love but in my adult life, I haven't found love. I constantly pick myself apart to find out what I'm doing wrong. I starve myself in order to loose weight, I keep my hair up, face and trilogy waxed. I maintain myself thoroughly and still nothing. So I'm finished with my search. I know people say 'give it to GOD' but that is very difficult for me to do. I am so in control of my career, my home and most other aspects of my life then love. I'm depressed because I haven't found love in my timeframe while my faith has taught me that it's not my timeframe that matters. I've veered away from my faither recently, questioned it actually because I didn't feel like it was getting me anywhere. I know I should find jay in the little things but the little things become redundant and....fall to the wayside. I begin to take them for granted quickly. There is so much sadness and strife that I'm tired of writing about it, I just want to feel better, I want to be happy for a change. I want to feel beautiful on the inside and out. I want what seems to be unattainable, like winning the lottery. I need to give it all to GOD but I have no idea how to do that and/or where to start. I'm tired of being depressed, I just want to be ok, have a good disposition and stop constantly stressing over money and love and things that I can't control evidently. I've falling off reading devotion everyday. I know I need GOD but....I'm not sure how to live my life that way. I stay in prayer but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm just...so confused I wish the answers lied somewhere and were easy enough to read and understand or just be able to wake up and have the knowledge. But it doesn't seem to be that simple. I feel that I am at a crossroads in my life and the next decision I make could determine a positive or negative change in the long run. I feel like it's a race against the clock and I'm loosing. Everyday......

Random Thoughts of the Day

My daughter is a fun person to be around. When I came home, I got a kiss, big hug and she did my hair for me. So sweet.

Even though I like my job, doesn't mean it isn't bullshit. Read in the handbook that we don't get paid if they close due to inclimate weather. WTF is this?

I need a vacation, adding that to the '2009 Goal List'.

I need to work on my self esteem. It has highs and lows and recently I've been on a low. I need to get to a nice happy medium.

I watched the Kim K./Ray J porn again today and....they were chewing gum the WHOLE TIME. WTF, he's eating her out chewing gum, he's fucking her and they both chewing gum STILL, she sucking his dick and still chewing the gum. It takes skills to keep chewing and keep up a good talk game in my opinion. And she still gets mad props for swallowing.....

Bad habits are hard to break and I need to go back to reading scripture EVERYDAY.

Vengeance is not mine and I cannot push it along at my own will. Their time will come.

I now know where the stereotypical Baby Mom came from. Her name is Sha-something and she lives in North Philly. Hopefully the JaMerican is man enough to withstand her fury. My mouth is still open from Sunday afternoon. Too much drama.

Kanye West is quoted as saying he's looking for a wife and then compares (likens it's cause) it to the fact that his mom died and he has no woman in his life. Wow. Be careful ladies b/c there's so baggage here foreal.

Yo Gabba Gabba is one of the best kids shows on the air right now! Don't sleep, it looks retarded but seed LOVES it and it has a positive message.

I'm an excellent mom.

I need a dude to let his tongue do the walking down my clitoris....a couple times.

I feel bad for BD (even though he's a bitchass dude). I can't believe his girl is this stupid and I think sis is plotting something. There's no way she's letting this dude talk to her the way he comes off at the mouth to me. The dick is NOT, I repeat NOT that good for her to abandon her son some 3k miles away to be with my baby dad. His tongue skills are hot but that's because I taught him but that gets old after awhile b/c....let's face it most women who sleep with men aren't lesbians. I was talking to BD ex and she said old girl is going to devastate him something terrible. Even though I smiled, I feel bad. Hope he lands on his feet.

On another note, that pussy told me to go to court and 'give up' the $500/month he pays for child support, then and only then can I say I raise her by myself. You gotta be fucking kidding me? This is where my right to bear arms comes in b/c this muthafucka needs to be pistol whipped in the worse way. Or just some Wu-Tang type torture maybe. Can't believe he had the audacity......getting hype now just thinking about it. Man, if I had a long sock and some rocks.....

Maseltov (sp), it's a celebration bitches!

I put gas in my car today for under $40. For a minute I was hype until reality set in and I remembered that my 401k isn't worth shit. But at least I can drive to work :(

The media (both foreign and domestic) are painting Barack as some sort of savior and I'm getting very uncomfortable with this. I'm sure he knows he has to show and prove but...jeeze wth are they expecting him to do. The man isn't even officially president yet and they stalking his every move like he's the Beatles. Disney offered the girls parts on Hannah Montana (Michele, back away from that mess very, very slowly) both the show and the movie, the dress that little Sasha had on election night (which was straight off the rack) has completely sold out EVERYWHERE! I'm waiting for the rockstar media attention to simmer down a bit but who knows when that will be. I just want everyone to be more realistic. I'm scared for this family, I don't know if they're built for this type of constant attention. Yeah they've been campaigning for two years almost but.....it's a whole different level now. Godspeed to the Obamas.

I gotta do something about my diet and eating habits. I'm not longer working in the city and I need to adjust my food intake. All my clothes are still too big but....idk I don't want there to be any problems, I need to maintain my curvy figure.

Christmas is coming and I'm broke. This may be a dollar store Christmas this year.

Tired of stressing, tired of the pain and sorrow. I need to find happiness in something new or in something around me that I'm not noticing to begin with. I gotta do something b/c this depression is bad. I'm a functioning depressant but it's starting to show outward. Gotta get through this.

I need to win the lottery.

Still in love, still trying to practice patience and still looking like an asshole in the process :) but I'm optimistic about my fairy tail ending, whether it's with him or not.

OBama For Ya Mama

So it's official, the 44th President of the United States is Barack Obama. I have never been so proud to be not only an American but an African American in my life. Today I went to lunch and was totally ok that I was the only black person for miles. Why? Because the President is black.



I want to take this time to speak out to all my young brothers out there. Please take a long, hard look at Barack Obama and what he has built. Recognize the fact that he wouldn't be in this position without the love, respect and hard work of Michelle Obama. A woman he calls his rock, his best friend and is proud to call his wife. The man and woman have accomplished what no other black couple has been able to and this should be a lesson to all of you. Every single one of you that makes excuses as to why you're not ready to commit. Because your baby mom is crazy (because I NEVER knew the meaning of 'crazy baby mom until this weekend) or because you're constantly chasing paper, look what you could've accomplished had you slowed down and took the time to build something with a wonderful woman who you probably let get away. You could be anything, even President of the United States. You have no idea how many times men say 'I'm focusing on my career' or 'I need to finish school'. President Elect was a law intern when he met Michele and knew he needed her to accomplish his dreams. Sis held it down while he did his political thing, gave the man two beautiful babies and look where that has gotten her. She's been quoted as saying that she told him if his run for Senator didn't work, that was it, she wasn't doing it anymore. Get it Shelly, let him know.

Hopefully, this presidency not only means good things for the county but it will redefine the black family and cause some of these statistics to go down and the result will end in more positive role models for black children. Everybody wins.

So please take heed, and from this point on keep your eyes open for 'the one' and what you meet her, ask yourself 'could this woman be my Michelle'?

So proud to be an African American these days.....

2am Randomness

If it isn't love, why do I feel this way, why does he stay on my mind. And if it isn't love why does it hurt so bad, make me feel so sad inside.
I just left a wonderful new addition to my life and all I can think about is HIMM. Maybe I'm overreacting but regardless, I'm still hurting.

LoveFool

"I sat here starin' at the same old wall
Came back to life just when I got your call
I wished I could climb right through the telephone line
And give you what you want so you will still be mine, hey, hey"

Peaches & Herb "Reunited"

I go cold turkey. Thoughts of him consume my day and make it hard to concentrate or anything else. I limit contact and each day I tell myself I'm making a clean break. He must sense it because he calls, indulges me in coversation not knowing that just the sound of his voice makes me giddy. Another call, second day in a row. A voicemail saying he's thinking about me. I loose myself, all composure in fact and resort back to the old me. He messages. Says he's out celebrating. Evidently with someone who is not me. I check into the HeartBreak Hotel once again. Anger, sadness and questions swarm and take over me. Who knows what he's doing and how did I get back to this place. Retail therapy doesn't even work. I am no longer myself as I scramble back to where I once was, the woman I was becoming before the call came. I want to cry but can't. I want to call but refuse to. Instead, I ready for plans tonight but my heart is no longer in it. Where will this lead? Who knows and I'm tired of constantly wondering this. I must move on for my sanity.

Email Forward

I received this in an email this week and thought it was too good to not post.
GO PHILS!

Why white America perhaps fears Michelle more than Barack.

Excerpts from a 'Jack & Jill politics' newsletter:

...as hard as it is to accept a black president, it's even harder to accept a black first lady. First Lady has always held a beloved sentimental mother/wife of the nation symbolism. Conservatives are not ready to have to look at this very BLACK woman with her degrees and her fierceness and see her as the epitome of the American mother/wife. This will be a first for white people. They do not want this black woman in the Whitehouse as their first lady. That New Yorker cartoon was [actually] about Michelle - she was its focal point…..look closely... she is the leader, the one starting the "revolution" they want you to imagine…………

MSNBC's Chris Matthews said, in the course of covering the Obama candidacy, 'He (Barack Obama) brings none of the ' bad stuff, you know?" By 'Bad Stuff', he meant the legacy of [whites] enslaving Africans in this country, keeping them as second-class citizens until 1965, a mere 11 years before this country celebrated its 200th anniversary. You know, 'the original sin', or ' the birth d efect', as Condi Rice called it. Barack escapes this 'bad stuff' only because his mother was white and may have had ancestors involved in the slave trade; and also because Barack's father was not African American. He was full blooded African and therefore Barack had no ancestors enslaved by America - and so the white guilt factor is missing when they think of him. HOWEVER, NO SUCH LUCK WITH MICHELLE!

Michelle Obama is a direct threat and lightening bolt against White Superiority. Because, she's Black… VISIBLY BLACK… But it's important to note, she does not, in any way, shape, or form, contour to the acceptable Black Pathologies that enable White Supremacy to sigh with relief. [welfare mother, fatherless child, druggie, etc.] Michelle was raised in a neighborhood. In a home. With TWO parents. No child revolving in and out of jail. Raised by a Black man who not only provided for his family, but did so, WITH A DISABILITY. Her mother had a working class job - secretary- but it was taken ONLY after she had seen her youngest child settle into HIGH SCHOOL.

Michelle Obama's poise, her confidence, her aura - that was created by that humble Black man, who by all accounts, adored her. He told her that she is worthy, and so, when you have that told to you by the first man who loves and protects you, you seek that validation of that in your choice of mate, you'll settle f or nothing less, and Michelle hasn't.

Michelle Obama, doesn't fit any of the acceptable Black pathologies. And when you don't fit the acceptable Black pathologies, then you must be destroyed. Michelle Obama has become the face of the Black America whose existence is routinely denied by this country. Think about it.
In ONE generation, the face of this 'Invisible America' has gone from living on the top floor of a bungalow, to the possibility of living in The White House. And yet, Michelle Obama, refuses to say ' I' m special", in order to give white America its usual security blanket [that she is one of the exceptions rather than the rule], So what should be done?
Beat her down into submission.

Michelle Obama represents everything we want our daughters to be. When we stand up for her we stand up for ourselves. No other women in the world are more neglected and abused as African women period. Michelle loo ks like [our] daughters, her daughters look like us. We love the way Barack looks at her we adore the way he looks at his daughters. The Obamas represent the hope that we can be loved by our men and they will support us in whatever we do. Little African American girls need a vision and dream of what it is like to be loved by a man who looks just like them.

Is America ready for a First Lady who looks like her? A regular black woman? Not a passable biracial curly haired girl that they call black, but a regular black woman from the south side of Chicago ? With dark skin?

Is she going to be the face of The Woman on the largest pedestal in the country? A self-confessed 'loud-mouth" black woman? If the Obamas succeed, it turns white supremacy upside down. And not because a black man is in the White House; but, because a black woman will be there who didn't have to come in the back door to lie in bed with the president.

Oh shit Jack & Jill? Wow I thought they were a myth. LOL Nuff said, I'm digging this.

Late Night Quote of the Week

"This week John McCain said that people who live in coastal states like Florida should get more of the money from offshore drilling. I think that's calling 'spreading the wealth around'."

Jay Leno 'The Tonight Show'

Nuff said.

November 4th (Ba)Rock The VOTE!