I was invitied to church this morning with HIMM. Haven't been to church in...forever but it didn't burn down upon my entry so that's a good sign. Church was...enlightening. Lately, things have been happening by devine intervention. I always feel like I'm put in the right place at just the right time for the message to be relayed. Most days, daily devotion is right on point but my day is so....mind controlling that even when I try to break down devotion I can't concentrate enough to see the meaning behind the words. I need to work on this.
Today's sermon had many messages. My morning was shit after the discovery that my true love has been dipping and swimming in different waters as recently as Friday night. My heart is hurting, more like aching and I know what needs to be done but it's not what I want. Walking away will be the hardest thing I've ever done by far so I'm praying for the right answer. Anyway, Pastor's message varied but my take from it was endurance. There are so many trials and tribulations in my life that I never take the time to think things through. I am not a victim of the circumstance, rather more like a soldier in the battle. I need to take pride in my faith and hold on to the fact that I know that things will work out in my favor. In this 'got to have it now' world, my impatience is growing. Because I need to remember I'm down, but not out and that I have been blessed already in so many ways, beyond my wildest dreams. I need to study GOD's word more and begin to take them more seriously. My doubt in my religion is...humbling to say the least. I know why I'm doubting my faith and when I actually put pen to paper it sounds ridiculous; how dare I have the audacity to question a greater being just b/c my timeframe is not being met. But I'm not sure what to do. My heart is growing black due to disappointment. I'm resenting choices I've made even though I know I can't change any of them, what's done is done. So I need to take the mistakes I've made, learn from them and move on, not dwell on them and become angry. What is that solving? That is stalling my evolution personally and spiritually. Nothing is worth sacrificing that for. My faith needs to be what gets me though, although now that I'm thinking about it, I don't know if any thing else ever has. My finances, no matter how low they are, I give them to GOD b/c he always makes a way no matter what. Why is it I can give that to GOD but everything else I hold so close to my heart that I can't let it go enough to let GOD solve it. I need to learn to give EVERYTHING to GOD and move on to other issues. My doubt cause insecurity and my faith needs to be the cushion that soothes me b/c I know I will emerge the victor everytime, no matter what.
From now on, I will rejoice, not in the circumstane but the fact that this is a day the LORD has made. I will endure through the night, for joys comes in the morning. This is what I need to practice. Easier said then done. I am merely a vessel to be used, I need to relinquish myself to GOD for his doing.
This is troublesome......but I feel I have no other choice. I can do it but the question is will I stick with it long enough to see it through?
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