You've Just Run Across My Mind...

I spoke to you today, the method matters not.  Your voice still warms me and gives me butterflies.  I realize that there are current circumstances that are a hinderance but the truth is, I feel you regardless.  Wish I was there to ease your pain.  I'd caress and comfort you until it was all better, loving you until you were strong again, until you felt whole again.  Then love you even more with every accomplishment you gained.

Always....

And So It Goes On

I hate that we play 'tag' all the time.  I hate that my texts go unanswered.  I hate that I invite you to things, dope events and you just...brush me off.  Urgh we are grown what in the hell my dude?  Why do you treat me this way, better yet why do I allow you to treat me this way?  I'm so dope, have shown you NOTHING but awesomeness in EVERYTHING that we've done but yet you still ignore me.  My instant, oh-so-familiar defensive mechanism automatically goes into effect telling me that you're not attracted to me, that I'm not good enough for you.  I know this is hogwash because in reality it's just the opposite.  I pray on this, ask for my steps and thoughts to be guided in the right direction for us to be together.  And yet you still resist?  Why not give me a try; pick me, chose me?  I'd show you how much better your life would be with me in it.  I see the signs, I'm not stupid.  I give you opportunities to be 100 with me but for some reason, I still feel that you are lying to me for whatever reason.  I love you yes, but I won't compromise who I am for you.  I've loved you for a long time now, so it's difficult to train my heart to do anything else BUT love you but my patience is very thin with you, turning my back will be difficult but if it has to be done then so be it.  I'm tired of the indirect hurt and pain that you cause; you're not worth it.  I convinced myself that you're the one for me making any other option than having you difficult.  But I have to let something go in order for my hands to be freed in order to receive something else.  So it shall be......Selah

Attended an open forum on woman and marriage in the black community last night.  Very small affair but I enjoyed myself immensely.  I learned somethings the most interesting is that women like me feel the same way about marriage as I do.  I'm not afraid to say I want to be married.  I think (and now am convinced) that this is the way most women feel.  I would love to be a part of a 'we'.  To have someone to come home to and share all the joys and pains of my day.  Someone to give me a different perspective on situations that may have derailed me.  For him to say, 'babe why don't you think about it this way' or 'I feel you on that one babe, how did you wanna handle it'.  Someone who's there for my daughter.  This is a tough one because I have to make sure that I choose a man who will be a wonderful figure for my little one.  Who will show her how a man is supposed to treat a woman, a wife.  I want her to see a man who comes home everynight and takes care of his family.  That helps with homework and asks about her day.  Her father is JUST now realizing all that he is missing by not being in her life everyday and there is no future between him and I.  He had his chance and now there is no chance.  I have no problem saying that sometimes, I think marriage is unattainable. But I have standards, that can be met but will not be compromised just so I can say 'I have a husband'.  Nah that's not for the kid at.all.  I made my bucket list, talked to the Lord and prayed on this.  But recently, I've been praying intensely on this lately and I have no idea why.  I'm being guided by my sprit and just going with the flow.  The Lord knows my hearts' desires wether I speak them into my life or not.  It's nice to know that i'm not the only one out there that feels this way; like in some way,shape or form I've hindered myself from being married.  I want to be a part of a team, I want to be loved unconditionally, I want to have more babies and I want to be married.  I'm not ashamed to say 'I need a man'.  I'm not a lesbian (*side eye*) so yes if for nothing else I need a man to procreate with. But I would like to become a more positive statistic that I am now.  My frustration means that enemy is busy trying to get ME to block my blessing.  Tricky tricky.  I see through your games and WILL NOT block my blessings on my own.  I am a child of God and will act accordingly.  I WILL pray instead of worry.  I WILL give praise instead of crying.  I WILL dig into the Word when I feel doubt creeping in.  I am not sabotaging my destiny.  It ends now.

In Jesus name....Amen

New Beginnings

I am being broken down, so that I can be rebuilt.  My tests of faith are always extreme on some old TV's Real World Gauntlet tip.  I understand that the war for my soul consists of many (daily) small battles that wage EVERYDAY.  Lost my gig (literally, I lost the grip I had on it) now I'm unemployed...just saying those words takes the breath out of me and I don't have asthma. 

Oddly enough, I'm not scared or shook.  No, I don't know what the future holds but I'm confident that any steps I take from this point on will be bringing me to my awesome destiny.  Everything that has happened in the past is where it is.  None of my heartache, pain and selflessness will not go un-noticed.  Not for naught, everything that happens from this point on is pushing me one step futher to greatness.  I have big plans, expect big things, patience is the key and always the lesson and now that I recognize it, I know what I must do.  I prayed about my job, asked for an answer and...I got it evidently.  Prayed about this situation with my family, got that answer real quick too.  Prayed about DivaBabe's school situation, got that answer.  Asked a couple other questions that have yet to revealed but I'm confident those answers will come also. 

I can't say I was upset because in times like these I don't feel I just act.  So I haven't had time to react emotionally because I've been on my grind job searching and resume updating and whatnot.  Unemployment has been filed for, now all I have to do is wait.  Will learn to live on this budget until the New Year; that's the date I keep envisioning in my head as ecoming gainfully employed again.  I wanna worry, I wanna be upset but somthing just won't let me.  Call it confidence, cockiness, whatever you want but I just cannot be brought down.  I don't want to say I'm 'happy' but I am.  I needed to get rid of toxins; people and places that were bringing me down.  The job was one of them.  So I'm ok with this separation.  Still I rise....and press on.

My final question I need an answer on is my love life.  Not sure whether I'm coming or going in that department so this morning...for an hour I prayed on it.  I asked to be readied for love and asked for a love so awesome that it withstands the test of time.  A love that no man can put asunder.  Yes I' asking for extraordinary things because I'm an extraordinary child of God.  I'm not afraid to ask my Father for anything because he knows my wants before I ask.  I just have to move to put things into place or, in this case, be still and let my footsteps be guided.  Either way, the next move that is made will be the right one......Selah

I have so much clarity right now and all I had to do was pray.  Simple actions.  Feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest and I can finally breathe, mercy.  I'm so good at giving uplifting advice but can't heed my own.  A true sign of a fool.  I've been in love once, in lust another time and the perfect combination of the two most recently.   He's illusive like the everlasting paper chase but I'm diligent in my pursuit.  Time will tell, I put it in the hands of The Most High for him to handle.  I just have to walk away from it and move on.  Easier said than done.

I don't need luck b/c I've got faith.....