Broken Glass

Pathetic.

24 hours.
Or maybe 26.

I’ve been shattered in one night.
And I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. Sad? Angry? Disappointed? At myself, probably.

Perhaps exhausting out my tear glands it’s a good thing. They’re so exhausted, they’re not even producing anything anymore. Just like how they were like years ago. Numb to pain.

Then my body decides to go on strike and give me diarrhea and keeps rejecting food intake. I’m not trying to get anyone to pity me at all, but I think this is really pathetic. This is so sad I’m feeling bloody sorry for myself. It’s like I can see a top view of myself, curling up and burying my head in the pillow, flipping it over to a drier side 10 minutes later.

This is just too ridiculous.
I’m so weak, even I can’t take it.

Need something to guide my lost soul home, will this waterbottle do?

I’m wondering what have I been living in. I have always been happy most of the time, and yet I failed to see that you clearly weren’t.

What can I do?
I can exchange anything to get it all back.. Or was it even really mine in the first place?

- myhotcaffeine

le sigh

I didn't want to love you,
but your light
penetrated all the barriers I erected
and reached deep inside my heart
to set my world aglow.
You inspired bliss like I'd never known
and made me hear the music again.
Not a minute escapes me
without thoughts of you.
I didn't want to need you,
but after I saw your face,
I've never stopped thinking about you,
and I crave your nearness,
yearn to wrap you in my arms
and press your body close to mine.
I didn't want to need you,
but imagining life without you
is unbearable.
How dark and grim would be the days;
how long and stark would be the nights.
Even heaven-sent angels
would be unable to replenish
the spark of life
in my soul.
I didn't want to desire you,
yet I hunger for you like the springtime
blossom hungers for sunshine.
I need your touch, and I want
to make love to you
slowly and passionately
before the fire.
Only my fantasies of you,
wonderfully hot
yet silky and soft,
sustain me.

Randomness

My life is getting better.

I admire resilient people.  Those who can love and just walk away.  Those who can just forget and not remember.  I am not that person.  And I hate when others project their views onto me just b/c I don't see things the way they do.

I need a new vibrator.  This morning was pathetic but it got the job done.  Made the day bearable.  My flesh has been threatening to take matters into it's own hand.

He was a blessing sent.  I was honored to be his chosen.  I don't think I articulated that enough in our time together.

At times, I am remembering the past way better then it was.

Talked to an old college fling today.  Unhappiness is rampant, or we live in this world that is terribly unselfish.  To sacrifice happiness seems to be a natural reaction.  Prayers to him, I hope he gets through this soon.

My tears water the flowers in my life garden.  Creator, hear my prayer(s).

I have to stop being prideful.  Everything I take so much pride in is taken from me; my car, Alex and if I don't get a grip on it soon my job.  Creator, hear my prayer.

That small voice is at it again, telling me that him and I are not completely finished.  So I pray for the wisdom to maintain our relationship (my part), the strength to endure this time apart and for the blessing itself.  Breathe.

Far away from here.....can I get a window seat?

I think about the day I met the perfect stranger.....

This separation is necessary for the both of us.  Whatever is going on in his life is part of his walk and vice versa.  That still doesn't ease the pain.  I'm trying but at times I feel like I'm dying.  I don't know what's coming over me.  Creator hear my prayer.

I'm learning to breathe again! I'm learning to live again! I'm making myself smile & putting me back together again!

Blessings are coming.  I know that not every setback is the enemy's work, there is always divine intervention.  If it wasn't God's will then he will NOT let it continue.  He will purposely close a door b/c it's not his will.  This thing with Alex could be God protecting me or sending someone into my life to heal me.  I need to have more faith in God's interruptions, it's not all about me and what I want.  The reason for this is because God has something bigger and better for me.  Can't WAIT to get there.

*power down*

Fantasy 3

Making Love - Pure love. I just wanna make love all night. Kissing, sweating, eye contact, smiles, I love yous. :) That makes me hot.

Prayer

God be with me now.

idk

Fantasy 2

I'm at your house.  I have no idea why.  I knock, you protest.  My kiss stops you.  You protest harder, push me away but I won't take no for an answer.  We are up against a wall, my hand on your cock stroking it.  You moan because I know just how you like it.  Kisses intensify.  We land in the disco bathroom.  I remove all my clothes and make you look at me.  You do.  I mount you move my hips back and forth, up and down.  'Fuck you' I say repeatedly.  Your hands are on my ass, mouth fastened to mine.  Our deep guttural moans are in sync, you begin to thrust b/c....you like it deep.  You make love like you're trying to blend with me.  My wetness is overcoming your resistance.  'Fuck me' is my new mantra.  You lips on my nipples, my hip gyrations, my tongue in your ear....causes nirvana.

Why Reinvent?

When people suffer traumatic experiences most of them go into isolation and a period of what they like to call reinvention. This happens mostly when a person experiences the lost of a loved one via a bad break up… trust me, I know. Granted; this happens when a person unexpectedly loses their job, or their house; anything that is massively important in their lives. To lose something so unexpectedly is harder than anything else we have to deal with because we can’t mentally and/or emotionally (financially) prepare ourselves for the back lash. Why, when we go through these experiences, do we feel the need to reinvent ourselves like somehow we weren’t adequate enough to be with or to keep that job or to support your family, etc… Like we were/are the problem? We, you, me… are NOT the problem.

If you want to change a few aspects of yourself that you consider negative then fine, change them, better yourself, but reinvention? Why? I used to think I wanted to change everything about me, reinvent myself so that I was the best thing since oxygen and sunshine. Now, I realize that I’ve BEEN the best thing since oxygen and sunshine— You ain’t know??! There’s nothing wrong with me or my actions. I am who I am and that’s fabulous. I look fabulous and the things I do for myself, my family, my friends and my community are absolutely FABULOUS and I dare someone to tell me otherwise.

Before any of you consider changing you or reinventing yourself stop and think. Are you really making these changes for you? If you’re not doing these things because YOU feel like you need the change, then don’t do it. There is no reason to have to have to conform to fit inside another person’s box of perfection. Each one of us is perfect in our own right. How is it that someone can say we are worth less than what we KNOW we’re worth. We KNOW we do the job to the greatest of our ability, we KNOW we love with all our heart, we KNOW we’re able to do whatever it takes no matter the obstacle.

Never let a person or a circumstance have you believe that you have need to change who you are. Be comfortable in your own skin. Appreciation is just around the corner. All you need to do is be patient.

- souloveink

First Joel O, now this.  God is up to something.  My steps are ordered by the Lord.  Make it work.  Praise to You Lord Christ.

Fantasy 1

All you would have to do is come get me, I'd take you back, no ?s asked, no mention of the past. We'd look to the future and make it EXACTLY everything we wanted.  You come to me, I'd run to you, into your arms, kiss you hard, full of all types of passion, look into your eyes and tell you never leave me again, in your arms is where I belong, in my heart you will always reside and nothing can come between you and I.  I'd cry silently into your shoulder, molding my body into yours.  You squeeze tighter like you don't want to let me go.  We'd work out the details when the sun came up but for that night we'd make love hard for all the mistakes, all the mishaps and the in between.  The night would be the beginning of our beautiful ordinary life.  Our saga begins....

K-Electronica

Our lips met

And the world jolted 

My thoughts were no longer

My lips parted 

And your tongue gracefully met mine

Intertwined in a slow waltz

I saw us in the stars

Our future lit up in lights

I inhaled your essence

And sank further into you

With a slow moan

I indulged in the taste of you

Suddenly my favorite flavor

As we explored eachother

And our hands roamed

My eyes closed

And I gave myself to your embrace

So soft yet purposeful

Strong and giving

At this moment

I fell in love with you

And loves first kiss

- soulovelink

Giving Thanks

for my babygirl

for the beautifulness that was today

for being given a chance to do it all over again because I know not everyone was so fortunate

for this heartbreak....it is bringing clarification despite the pain

for the TwitFam

for blessing me even though I get ignant at times (singing 'Who Shot Ya' out the Murano today smh)

for clarity

for the roof over my head, both cars I drive, FightClub, the lights, the cable....you get the jist

for good food

for everything that is being done behind the scenes that I don't/can't see; I know change is coming

for moving so fast in my life

for not making me a thirsty broad

for Daily Audio Bible

for whatever this next week holds...bring it on cause I'm ready.

::sigh::

Losing Control

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you.

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... ..

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents

LET IT GO!!!

If you! u have a bad attitude.... ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him.........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .............

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

'The Battle is the Lord's!'

- T.D. Jakes

Summer Rain

The more time I spend with LOML the happier I am that I'm not with him....that's a good look God foreal.  I love him but it's not the same.  I prayed for him to love me, I'm happy with the capacity even if it's not romantic.

I want to call.....want to reach out but everytime I think about it all I hear is your voice booming on the other end of my phone 'WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME BE' and I retreat back into my turtle shell.

There is a very small voice inside of me that tells me that we aren't done.

Praying and believing.

Read a VERY good devotion today about making room for your blessings.  Something is telling me to let go.

And my heart just skipped a beat.  Finding it hard to breathe right now.

Pastor says that often times God will have everyone turn their back on you to bring your closer to Him.  This hurts but I'm sensing it's necessity.

The otherside of everything that is happening to me is going to be abundance beyond my wildest dreams.  I claim that.

He emailed me, I want to answer but instead I deleted it.  Because I can't.  His words spoke miles and my heart broke into even more pieces.  I just can't do it anymore.  My sanity is worth so much more.

Gotta let it go......

Fin.

Reflections

from pain comes the most rewarding outcomes

domestication always brings insight

if God is behind it nothing can stop it

the pain is getting easier, but there is always a little spark, a faint memory that sneaks up on me that brings it back to life

my feelings are just that....and need to be tamed i've gotta get control

the ease in which you walked away from me hurts more than anything

VH1 is the devil, I'm convinced

as I sit here under the glow of my 15" Vaio, I wonder if his thoughts drift towards me

i'm scared of lonely, i think that's why i love so hard

slowly getting myself back into the swing of things

looking forward to iPhone4 later this month =)

i can relate more to 'United States of Tara' these days

LOML is reading my blog(s).  I'm not going to hold my tongue just b/c I have this little piece of knowledge.  You have no idea how hard I prayed for you and I to be together.  And I'm glad it never came to pass b/c....we'd be a mess.  You're so fickle and I would've been so concentrated on making you happy.  The whole relationship....just would have been a ticking time bomb.  Giving praise for my prayers NOT being answered.  ^5 for that Jesus

LOL at homosexuals calling heterosexuals 'breeders'; always makes me smile for some reason

a person who stands for nothing, spends their whole life sitting

i want a hug

something in me is telling me that this will pass soon, outcome unsure but I know change is coming in some way, shape or form

i don't think Alex and I are over. a very small part of me feels this way because I know him in and out but it's still there.  can't shake it just trying to make sure it doesn't get louder.

these shortcomings in my life are testing my resolve i'm grateful that God gave me the right tools.  I'm truly blessed.

I love you, I want you, you're the one that I live for - and I just can't take it anymore

everything good has an unpleasant component

my mind tells me to give up, but my heart won't let me

how can a rainbow be formed without clouds or a storm

God I trust you, I know what you have in store for me is greater than my wildest imagination. For that......I thank you.

This is me, this is real as it be

I need protection from sadness as sadness can be a tendency. My color is navy blue because it is the color of style and refinement. Violet in my environment keeps me empathetic towards others. Light blue gives me strength and determination. I should look for scents that give me the feeling of fresh and sparkling clean scents containing jasmine, ylang ylang and rose. I am unusually a helpful person and always looking for constraint changes in my life. I was born under the sign of dignity. I should look for Capricorns and Taurus in relationships for harmony. In my life I am often the object of other’s desire. I am governed by logic and ethics which gives me great karma. I get my emotions bruised easily. I have a mind like a laser light. There is nothing my executive abilities can’t handle.  I have a well balanced intellect and well rounded personality. If I don’t earn my living by thinking I am likely to work at jobs that require mechanical or technical skills. I only need to put my hands on a failing device to get it to work better than the designer intended. Kind and giving, I readily make friends. Acuqantices however may blanch at my cutting and hurtful remarks. When my friends need me I am loyal and comforting in the beginning but I lack penitence if they don’t recover as quickly as I would. Government or accounting positions look good. My taste and organizational skills may be better suited for the fashion industry. I sing out my love for music but limit it to the shower. I may be better off as the person who comes up with the lyrics. When the first gray hairs and facial lines appear I overreact. Spending money I may  not have won’t impress people for long or bring back my youth. I use that well developed sense of humor to help me realize and accept normal changes. Relationships come easily to me. However once I enter into one the thrill usually leaves. Small things about my mate irritate me. I need to make sure I really get to know my partner before I marry. The more adjusting I do before the bond the less friction there will be after I choose a partner for other reasons than how cute you we look together in photos.

Strength

Is it taking EVERYTHING in me not to get in my car and run into your arms.
If this is how it ends, I don't see the point in ever letting it begin....

Scrambled

I can't give this anymore time....I'm bigger and better than this, I know I am.  I'm fighting with all my mite....and I will win....by any.means.necessary.  Trust and believe.

I claim this week as mine along with everything that goes along with it....bring it b/c I'm prepared for the battle.

Selah.

Dazed n Confused

I'm existing. Trying to figure out what living is supposed to be like. Because this, what I'm doing, isn't living.

- niya holland

I don't know what's going on these days.  Feels like I've lost EVERYTHING.  I no longer try to understand, I don't ask why I just continue to exist.  Love has exited my life, my finances are in shambles BUT I still have my health, a job (part-time for one of the biggest and fastest growing companies in the world), a roof over my head and a beautiful daughter who loves me no matter what.  For that I give thanks to the Most High.  I have a lot to be thankful for and I need to recognize that.

There is so much happiness around me and I am genuinely happy for my friends.  I celebrate with them and send prayers up for their abundance.  I know this is a test.  I was uber-excited when I was given all I prayed for, now that it all has been taken away I need to learn to be content no matter what cards are dealt.  I'm letting my heartache take over everything else and this isn't the way.  I need to guard my heart better.  He came along and was everything I'd ever asked God for so I opened myself up 100% only to get hurt, feel like a failure and be rejected.  But it's cool, the other side of this is dope.  I know things are working out, for my good and I'm counting it all joy.  I miss him yes and I know he misses me too but I have to wait for him to chose me again.  I can't rush things just because I'm scared.  Time will tell, until then I have to start living my life and no longer let this hiccup run my life.  I claim this week to be full of nothing but more blessings.....Selah. I claim victory over my life right now, order will be restored.  The enemy wants to backoff....I'm tired of fighting and when I have to retreat my Spirit takes over.  You don't wanna come test....not at all homey so if I were you I'd be easy and GET OFF ME.  I want EVERYTHING back I let you steal from me: my love, my finances, my mother's health, order....I'm TAKING it back.

In Jesus beautiful name.....AMEN